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Because I’m fucking terrified of forgetting shit and nobody knowing it and these logs will be my memories, anchoring me. Because if I don’t leave this proof, my crew will never have the chance to know they didn’t do anything wrong. I need to know that I tried to tell them I love them, that I tried to come back to them.
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Because I need to leave my family something. These might be my last days and I’ve still got so much to say. The only answer I can offer is because these might be my last words. I guess you might be wondering what the fuck I’m doing wasting what will probably be the last days of my life sitting in front of a fucking camera and talking to myself, given how I don’t know if anyone is ever gonna find this. I’ve sworn a lot and threw some not-too-expensive or necessary equipment around, which hurt like fuck but did make me feel better for all of 1.3 seconds even if none of it broke, which would have been way more satisfying. Okay, I’ve had my first tantrum and pity party. It’s painful and it’s long and it’s the hardest fucking thing in the world and I think I’m going to and I don’t want to.
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I keep finding myself having these stupid ridiculous thoughts – worry over who was going to untangle the Christmas lights for Ma, idly thinking who’d move into my apartment and what new memories they’d make, regret that I’d never figured out how to make the perfect pancake like my Pop did.įuck that shit. It wouldn’t be alone and terrified, bleeding and in pain. I guess if I had, I’d have imagined something soft and gentle, something like being ninety years old and in a bed, surrounded by those that loved me and there’d be no pain, no agony, just slipping away between one breath and the next. I’ve never pictured the moment of my death. Becs, I know you didn’t want me to take the place on the mission and I know I didn’t listen to you and I’m so sorry. Director Fury hasn’t had to make a call like that in over a decade, and now he’s making it to my family, to my girls. They’re going to tell Ma and my sister I’m dead.įor all I know, they’ve already been told. I also have no way of leaving the surface or returning to my ship. I’d apologise for the language ‘cos my ma raised me properly, but I’m a little busy getting totally fucked over by a planet to care too much about propriety.įor a reason I’ll explain in a minute, I have no way of communicating with Earth, or the ship my crew is in so everyone thinks I’m dead and I have no way of telling them otherwise.
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Rumours of just how fucked I am, however, are not. Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I am – was a member of the Ares programme for the exploration of Mars, mission Ares 3, ID number 32557038.
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